Leave Me Behind

Jenkins left for London last night. He’s been anxious about something going down with his operations there. I know they’ve moved a big supply ship in the last week, but it’s not unusual for him to not tell me what’s going on. Nor do I care to know all the details.

I find solace in having time alone. Well, aside from the two soldiers who accompany me anywhere outside my room. They constantly remind me that my life with Jenkins is not a choice—even if I’ve long since made my peace with it.

Deep down I think Jenkins knows I might entertain the idea of leaving if I had the opportunity. But I don’t mind my life with Jenkins. Our nights are warm and the days are peaceful.

I think that’s what keeps him up at night. What has him gazing upon me while he thinks I’m asleep. His dangerous fingers that glide over my throat, his lips that kiss my scars. As much as I resent him for what he’s done, I still love him. Our love is old, harrowing and rotten to the core, but it is ours.

It’s late June now and the flowers on the hillside are finally blooming. I take a blanket and some bagels for a small picnic. Drake and Paul are my assigned guards and have warmed up to me considerably, especially after Jenkins made it known that I was special to him.

I think Paul is still a little sour over his old partner getting a knife to the head—like Greg did—for touching me though.

“Hey, the poppies are finally opening up!” Drake sounds more excited than I am. He kneels down in his military grade uniform and plucks a couple from the thousands we planted last summer. His light brown hair is short with a fade cut down the sides.

I smile at the bundle he hands me. Paul just spreads out the blanket and grabs a bagel. We sit in a small circle and share our boring lives as the three people who do literally nothing around here.

“Do you guys ever think about quitting? Leaving this world and living a normal life?” I ask absent-mindedly as I flip pages in a romance book.

They share a look before turning their heads to me. I take notice and wait for them to reply. Drake glances around uncomfortably before muttering, “No one leaves, Nell. The only way out is death.”

My frown deepens. “What?” Jenkins doesn’t give them terms like the dark forces? That seems unfair, considering how against that rule he was when we served for Riøt. He always thought the cards should be given out sooner. He knew as well as I did that the general leaned toward having soldiers “expire” in the field rather than earn their freedom. So I’m shocked he has adopted a crueler rule.

Paul nods. “It’s a life commitment. No matter if you change your mind later. The secrets and knowledge we have of his arms deals are too sensitive to be leaked.”

“That’s awful,” I say between bites of my bagel, thinking of my merciless Jenkins. “Would you leave? You know, if it was an option?” I study their expressions carefully.

Drake lowers his eyes. It’s Paul who surprises me. “I would.” Drake’s head snaps up at him and his expression fills with alarm.

“You can’t say that,” Drake hisses.

Paul waves him off. “It’s just Nell. She wouldn’t say anything to Jenkins.”

I smile at his faith in me.

“What about you, Nell? Is this where you want to be?” Drake finishes his bagel and leans forward on his knees.

My lie comes out filled with sorrow. “Yeah, of course.”

I think of Bradshaw again. He lives in my mind as Jenkins once had. Funny how they’ve swapped places. I wonder if he got Eren back home safely. I smile as I imagine him on his surfboard, doing everyday things. What would his children look like?

My soul aches and I have to close my eyes at the reminiscent thoughts.

My home will always be with Bradshaw. I wish I could remember his smile instead of the pain I saw before he left.

The world is better without monsters like me in it. I don’t fight my fate, even if it fucking hurts.

But sometimes, I imagine him coming back for me and wrapping his arms around me again.

We walk around the lake and pick more flowers before sunset. Then I find myself back in my room, sprawled over my expensive sheets and staring at the ceiling. I count the textured patterns in the paint like every night when I try to find sleep. But it evades me tonight.

The door to my room creaks open, but I ignore the guest. Soldiers pop in every hour to make sure I’m in here and not making a break for it, sometimes sooner if Jenkins is feeling anxious while he’s away.

The man walks to the edge of the bed and stands silently until I can no longer ignore him. I push up on my elbows and glare at him. “What do you think you’re—” My breath catches in my lungs as I stare at a man dressed in a black uniform. His mask covers his lower face, but I know him just from the shape of his cheeks and the broken pale eyes that gaze down upon me with heartache.

“Bradshaw?” My voice is weak. I can’t move. I’m frozen with the emotions that seep into my veins.

“Hey, Bunny.” His voice falters, and he slowly goes down to his knees where my legs hang over the edge of the bed. His gloved hands gently touch my thighs and I crumble with him.

“You weren’t supposed to come back for me, you idiot.” I sob. He wipes my tears as he takes me in.

“I never left, Bun. My heart and every thought have been here with you all this time. If that makes me a fool, then I don’t give a fuck. There’s no me without you.” He pulls his mask off and I get a full view of his handsome face. My hands tentatively move to his jaw, tracing the lines of his bones and taking in the way time has changed him in just three and a half years.

He looks like he’s stayed up every single night the way I have. His eyes have lost their ire and rage, replaced with heartache and longing. He has a few more wrinkles around his eyes and his beard is a bit scruffier than his usual clean-cut look. Time hasn’t changed his weary soul, but there’s so much grief there now that hadn’t existed before.

Bradshaw’s eyes trace my face as if he’s taking in who I am now too. For a moment I worry he’ll hate what he sees, a defeated soldier who has given into the darkness. But his broken smile tells me he’s just sad with all the time we’ve lost together.

“Are you going to kill me since I came back?” he teases and I shove him, tears still streaming down my cheeks.

“Don’t even joke abou⁠—”

His lips crash into mine, taking any words I had and swallowing them. Bradshaw pushes me back until we’re falling into the sheets. He groans when my hands intertwine in his hair. His teeth skate over my bottom lip as he nips it gently before looking into my eyes.

“I’m never letting you go again, Bun. Never. You’ve always belonged to me. I don’t give a fuck what you said to me that night. I know you lied to get me to leave.” He dips below my chin and strokes his tongue up my throat as he unbuttons my night shirt. His calloused hands send a shudder up my spine.

“I’ve always been yours,” I whisper.

He looks up and stares at me, completely taken aback. “Really?”

I laugh at how innocent he sounds.

“Really.”

Bradshaw smiles and resumes kissing down my sternum before he gives attention to my breasts. He palms one while he sucks on the other nipple, his fingertips coasting down my side. His thumb brushes over my rib cage and stops on the scar he gave me so long ago.

His mark.

He pauses, his lips hot against my skin. “You liked it when I gave you this, didn’t you?” His voice is nostalgic, but there’s a drop of lust that slips off his tongue. “I saw how your legs squeezed together and how shadows collected in your eyes. I knew then that you were something dangerous I shouldn’t crave.”

A flash of heat pools in my core and my thighs press together to stave off the urgency at the memory of his cruelness. How many hours have I longed for him to be here? How many restless nights I’ve spent dreaming of his hands on me again.

“I loved every second of it,” I say shakily.

He laughs and puts a small amount of pressure on my scar. A sliver of pain shoots across the sensitive skin and I instinctively grab his hand. My head tilts back into the crook of his shoulder and my hips roll against his groin.

Bradshaw doesn’t let the motion fade. He drops his lips to my shoulder and bites into my flesh. It stings but doesn’t break the skin.

My lips part to cry out, but he hooks two fingers inside my mouth and whispers in my ear, “No biting.” He traces my canines before pushing his fingers deeper and pressing down on my tongue.

What god would make a man like Bradshaw? He’s made the impossible mission to get back to me and instead of quickly whisking me away, he spends the time to greet me thoroughly. The wet arousal growing between my thighs shortens my breath with need.

My mouth closes around his fingers and I start to suck on them, giving him a playful swirl with my tongue. He settles on the bed behind me, a hard breath escaping his lips before he brings those venomous teeth back to the sensitive skin just under my ear.

“I missed ruining you,” he says dangerously, pulling his fingers from my mouth slowly, dragging my lower lip with his fingertips like he’s relishing in the way it feels.

His tactical gear is cold at my back.This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

I murmur, “I’ve ruined men much worse than you.”

He laughs and rolls me over on my back, bringing himself to his knees so he’s looming down over me. His pants are tented with that enormous cock I remember so fondly. It twitches with his muscles and he stares down at me like he’s been starving for years.

“You don’t hate this part of me?” He lowers his forehead to mine.

“Which part?” I ask, focusing more on his traveling hand that caresses my breast.

“The monster that only wants you.”

He doesn’t give me a second to answer; his lips are crashing down on mine and for the first time in three and a half long years, I feel whole again. The fire inside my chest that always burned hotter near Bradshaw comes back to life.

Bradshaw coaxes my lips open with his tongue and I eagerly allow him entry. Our tongues chase each other—hot, wet, devouring. Every sense is trained on him, the warmth of his body, the hardness of his cock, the deep feral groans that leave his lips as he lowers his hips to mine and starts dry humping me. My thin nightgown and his pants are the only barriers between us, making the sensation of his bulge drawing over my slit almost unbearable.

Our kiss breaks and he pulls away from me enough to take in my features. His eyes are hooded, tracing my face as he pumps his hips.

“It’s the monster in me,” I manage to say between hushed moans. His brow raises. “That craves the one in you.”

That sick smirk of his that I love so much returns to his lips.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” He drops his lips to my throat, kissing down my chest while he slips his hand beneath my underwear. “Oh, Bunny, baby. Did I make your pussy cry like this? How many nights did you pleasure yourself thinking of me?” He practically growls with his teeth cinched over my tit, teasing with gentle pressure and the stroke of his tongue over my sensitive flesh.

“So many.” I moan as he pumps two fingers into me. My back arches and his chest vibrates with a soft groan. Bradshaw releases my nipple and continues his descent down my stomach with wet kisses and playful bites until he reaches my clit.

“Wait.” I breathe out.

His tongue slips into me and I writhe in his hands.

My fingers curl into his hair as he strokes my center like a beast. My head falls back and I cry out softly. Bradshaw groans with pleasure, squeezing my thighs as he devours me.

He pulls away with saliva still connecting us for a second before it snaps. Bradshaw licks his lips and stares up at me with hooded eyes.

“I’ve been waiting for you for so long, Bun. I want to erase every trace of him from you.” He unfastens his belt and button before pulling down his pants and freeing his swollen cock. “No heart is as cold as mine’s been these past years.”

Slowly, I sit up and crawl to him. He stands and brushes his hand over my head, threading his fingers through my hair and fisting it tightly.

I put his tip in my mouth and stare up at him the way I know he’ll fawn over. His eyes go lax with pleasure and I see the demons he keeps locked up start to give him a bit of peace.

I’m his only way to escape the heavy thoughts that run rampant in his mind. He’s my only escape too. And for years, we’ve suffered.

No more suffering.

No more hurting.

My tongue wraps around his veiny flesh as I take him in more. He fists my hair tighter and drops his jaw open. I take him in deeper, hollowing my cheeks and blinking past the tears that brim in my eyes. Bradshaw rocks his hips into my mouth and I follow the motion, allowing my fingers to find my clit.

“Your lips feel so fucking good wrapped around my cock. Suck me dry, baby,” he chokes out between jerks. Another throb of heat surges through me at his foul words.

He stops pumping and withdraws from my mouth, quickly fisting his dick and working the tip before commanding me to lie down. I do as he says.

“Do we have time for this?” I try to reason. Our breaths are the only sound against the dark of my room. Soldiers will be coming to check on me soon.

He raises a brow. “It’s a bit late for that, don’t you think?”

I nod, smiling as mischievously as he is.

“You’re probably right. We don’t have time.” He leans up and checks his tactical watch. His eyes become somber and he sighs. “We don’t.”

“Told you,” I tease, smoothing my hand over his jaw. He leans into it and shuts his eyes. I feel like I need to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. But he’s really here.

A dull ache resides in my chest for how Jenkins will take the news of me leaving him, because I know he’ll never let me go.