Life After the Storm

chapter 30

I have been lost for words since I ran into Ivan. Surprised that he left me free, I still wonder for how long it will be for. Now that he knows I'm alive. I have to tell Landon everything, I can't put it off any longer he needs to know. I have never lied to him. He really has never asked about my past. I am just afraid. That he will make me leave.

As I toss and turn in my bed, there's no use for sleep. I get up, head to the bathroom. I turn the water on for the shower, maybe this will relax me. I undress while the water is warming. I look at myself in the mirror with my growing belly. As I can feel her movement, I become grateful that I have her.

Lost and thought, the mirror steams. I open the shower curtain and step in, letting the hot water pour over my body. I try just to relax, but my mind is everywhere. All I can remember is his touch that made my body crazy. I crave his touch, I don't know why, I wonder what is happening to me.

Star is angry because I did not go back to him. The life with him is so uncertain that I can't bear to even try. I am not that weak woman that I was, I am strong. I will not allow him to take advantage of me. He is to be married, and I would be left to be alone. I struggle in my thoughts as the hot water touches my skin. I can't allow my feelings to develop for him.

I try my hardest to push them aside. As I wash my hair and my body. I scrubbed the dirt away, hoping that once I get out that I am clean from all of this. It was one poor judgement that I should have never allowed to happen. I don't belong to anyone, I am free no matter the cost.

As I get out of the shower to dry myself, I know that I need to tell Landon everything. He has a right to know in case I put him in danger and everyone in his pack. I would not blame him if he wanted me to go. I just hope that he cares enough to allow me to stay.

I tried so hard to block any feelings for anyone, but there was no use. Even though Landon caused me pain. There is just something about him that I Can't resist. I've been trying to tell myself that it's all a lie, that I don't care about him. But I know he is what brought me back to life.

This pack is what gave me something to live for. It made me not want to give up or run. I'm so mad at myself for putting all of my happiness in danger. Knowing that Ivan could swipe in at any time and take it all away. I now wonder if I should stay, maybe I should leave.

I go to get my clothes, feeling so confused, I want to be comfortable as I put comfortable clothes on. I am so lost and not sure what to do, maybe I should ask somebody. I gather my thoughts and put my shoes on and head to the door. I need to talk to Dean, he'll know what to do.

As I am walking through the pack and looking at everybody outside. I see happiness, that is all I want. I don't feel judged, I feel accepted even though nobody really talks to me. But I believe that is mainly my fault for not talking to them. It's me not trying to build relationships, being afraid of what will happen, not wanting to get hurt. If I begin to care about people, what happens when they are gone.

It's the pain that I felt losing my family. I don't ever want to feel again, that is what is preventing me from caring about others. I think that is one of the main reasons why I am so afraid to get connected to my pregnancy. When I fill her, movement it makes my heart overflow with so much love it terrifies me. ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

I am filled with so much emotion and need to let it out, I'm hoping that Dean is not busy, so I can talk to him. Knowing that he is not the person who I really need to be talking to, but I need to figure this out before I talk to Landon. When I reach Dean's house, I'm almost relieved. I knock on the door, but it's not Dean that answers, it's Landon.

"Lilly good morning."

I'm surprised to see him, at first I don't respond, and then I'm thinking hello answer him. "Good morning, Landon is Dean here."

"Yes he is, he wanted to do a quick check up on Jayden to make sure everything healed nicely."

"Is Jayden OK, he's not having any issues is he?"

"He is fine, he was upset because of you running out last night. You couldn't stay to hang out with him, you had to just leave."

"No I'm sorry, I didn't know it upset him."

"Of course it upset him, he hasn't seen you in days, and you just take off after only spending an hour with him."

"Landon, I'm sorry I can spend more time with him, I want to spend more time with him."

"Don't bother, I don't want someone who is just going to spend time and run out on him when they get tired of him."

"Landon, it was not that I promise you, maybe we can talk about this. I want to talk to you, I want to tell you everything."

"Really, I don't want to hear your excuses."

"Landon, it was my Wolf she left me, and then she was back I was so overjoyed I needed to go for a run, I'm sorry."

As Dean begins to walk out with Jayden, I see his face light up with a smile. But sadly, it then starts to fade, it was like my heart sank with his fading smile. I could tell that he was upset with me. What have I done? I know I had no control. I needed to run. Was it something I needed for myself? Why does everyone feel that what I need isn't important?