Noir

NOIRExclusive content © by Nô(v)el/Dr/ama.Org.

As I had walked away from Lyra, I'd felt like I'd been trapped in an endless loop, my mind replaying the same tormenting thoughts over and over again. This time, however, I'd known I had to put an end to any possibility of reaching Lyra. The intensity of my longing for her had become unbearable, forcing me to battle the savage monster within me repeatedly.

Weariness had settled in as I'd found myself losing control, the upper hand slipping away. I'd kept my struggles hidden, not sharing with anyone the moments when I'd transformed after our return from the jungle. Perhaps I should have confided in someone, I thought. Maybe I still should. Last night's fight had been the most difficult yet, a relentless war to resist claiming her. By the time I managed to conquer the beast inside, I found myself standing outside her bedroom door. Realizing that there would come a time when I could no longer suppress the monster, I took action to protect her, even if it meant breaking the connection between us. It may have been a futile attempt though, as I wasn't so certain I wouldn't seek out my mate no matter where she was.

I didn't fully understand what had changed, but she had begun to emit an irresistible essence that drove me to madness, even in my human form. I knew she had felt it too, the unyielding pull that drew us together.

Now as I sat at my desk, I couldn't help but hope that she would be all right. The thought of never seeing her again sent a shiver down my spine, a reminder of the delicate balance of what was at stake.

Even as I tried to navigate this new reality, I couldn't help but feel as though I had made a terrible mistake, one that could have irreparable consequences. The weight of my decision hung heavily on my shoulders, a constant reminder of the fragility of our bond and the lengths I was willing to go to protect her.

LYRA

Hours after returning from the park, I sat in the chair by the window. Though I gazed out of it, the scenery before me was nothing more than a blur. My mind was elsewhere. The book the storekeeper had given me lay open in my lap, its pages flipped to reveal the same passage I'd been reading for what felt like hours. I'd been searching for some clue, some hint that might lead me to understand what to expect of the vampire blood flowing through me. I still didn't understand how it was that I had never shown any sign of its existence-except for the sense there was part of me I didn't know.

The sound of Atomic bruxing brought me out of my state of numbness, and reaching down, I picked him up, and carrying him to my lap, I slowly began stroking his fur. "I'm sorry, Atomic," I whispered. "I didn't mean to upset you." Earlier when I had entered my bedroom, I had been in quite a state, and now, glancing around, I felt a little ashamed. I wasn't prone to childish fits, but the mess I had made was quite apparent. I'd jerked the covers and sheets off the bed, ripping the sheets to pieces; the scrapes now lay tangled around the footboard of the bed and various books and trinkets were scattered across the floor. The chair where Atomic had been sleeping earlier now lay on its side, broken from my having smashed it against the wall.

I couldn't help but wonder where I would go. The agency was my home. It was the only place I knew, and the only place that had felt like home since I was a child. Thanks to Noir, I would soon be homeless and jobless. The pain of Noir's betrayal shot through me again and tears once again welled up in my eyes. Angrily, I dashed them away. I would *not* shed another tear over the worthless bastard. He didn't want me here? Fine! So be it. A mirthless laugh erupted from between my lips and Atomic shifted uncomfortably on my lap, a squeak of discomfort echoing from him.

A sudden rage washed through me, and I brushed him off my lap and jerked to my feet. I watched dismissively as Atomic landed on all fours then scurried off to hide within the lopsided and upturned mattress and box springs. I glanced around the room once more, now feeling a new determination welling up inside of me. I was done with the agency. I was done with Noir. I was done with everything. I didn't know what the future held, but it wasn't within these walls.

The days that followed were a blur of exhaustion and confusion. I avoided Noir at all costs, knowing that even a fleeting glance or touch could set off a chain reaction of emotions that I couldn't deal with. For what remained of my time within the agency, I busied myself with my duties, training harder than ever to master my emotions. It was a constant struggle, one that left me feeling hollow and empty.

Despite my efforts to avoid him, there were moments when I would catch a glimpse of him, and I would be overcome with a longing so intense that it made it difficult to breathe. It was in those moments that I knew his decision to send me away had been the right one, even though it meant living without him.

The nights were the worst, though as my mind filled with images of us together, our bodies entwined in a dance of passion and desire. I would often awake and go hunting just to relieve the savagery welling up inside me. I knew that I couldn't continue like this though; it was time to end this torture.

The day before I had sat on the edge of my bed, staring at the small box that contained my belongings. Inside, I had packed all of my clothes, the few personal items I had managed to salvage from the room, and a small note for Eton and Thorin, thanking them for being my friend and promising to always keep them close in my heart. With a heavy sigh, I stood and walked over to the dresser, opening the bottom drawer, I pulled out my weapons, then gently placed them into the box. I knew this was it. There would be no going back.

I spent the rest of the day trying to focus on my work, but my mind kept wandering back to the agency and to Noir. The thought of never seeing him again left a hollow ache in my chest. Despite everything, I couldn't help but feel like a part of me was dying along with my relationship with him. As the sun set and the last rays of light filtered through the window, I finally mustered up the courage to go and say goodbye.

Steeling myself against the inevitable pain that was to come, I walked down the hallway to his study, my heart thundering in my ears. After setting the box down and placing Atomic's cage beside it, I knocked softly on the door, and when he answered, I forced a smile onto my lips. And opened the door. "I just wanted to say goodbye," I whispered.

He stilled, then nodded, simply saying, "Goodbye, Lyra."

From the corner of his study, Elena, sitting in the chair she seemed to have taken up residence in, looked on, her usual smirk in place. Without a word to her, I turned and softly began closing the door behind me, hearing her call out, "Goodbye, cousin," as it clicked shut.

Moments later, as I stood outside, the cool night air was a welcome relief from the stifling atmosphere inside. I took a deep breath and glanced back one last time at my home, my heart heavy with the knowledge that I was leaving a part of myself behind.